Confessions to my Creator
(To Cheryl)
By will or by force
I was there
And you then poured into me
Everything available
And I know that now
Your breaths are silent
But I am aware
Of why you deject their tests
"It lacks quotient and will not live like the others"
But I was your chalice
The one you chose to pour rather than stumble upon
You were harsh, as your lion star said you would be
But the rhythm of your palm against my canvas
Was in perfect synchronous with the necessary march
And the resonance of your roars in my drums
In perfect pitch with the orchestration required
Each tear was a brick
You made me far too human
You made me far too conscious
Then in my own devices I became vacant
I could not read like the others
"Why will it not work?" they begged
For years they begged
And I was silent
And I know it was because of what you poured
When you sent me to the scholars
I know I screamed
I know what you thought of me
But understand it was unavoidable
I was far too human
And far too conscious
Some day I will do what you want of me
I will return to you and say it
That the screaming was apart of the orchestration
All the mistakes were mine
I will say that, but I will not say it yet
That it was the keystone, but not the one you wanted
Sadly, this is where you will weep
Sadly, this is where it began
The too human found the too conscious
And I disintegrated from you
When I was walking away from my peeled car
To pursue plot lines - the only thing I could see
I knew you would despise me and it
You lost who you were in me
I sipped the wines of others
Of Greene and Hawkins
Of Discenna and Marx
Of Allah and Shiva
Of Kant and Confucius
Of Hoeppner and Whitman
All of the words became transparencies
The plot lines became realities
And I knew the world was different
So I challenged you
And you did not know it,
But I had won myself from you entirely
I still know the worry in your eyes
I still know you wish to pour
But I am now me and I understand it
Though they and you do not
"Why are you so cold?" they ask it... they ask me
Because when I grow warm I will burn the world
And you will for the first time hear my prophecy
And they will know me by my craft
They will send their Jesuses against me
And I will fight them off one question at a time
And I hope that some day... some far away day
You will come to understand my Darwin and my Dawkins
And the others of us
Who were far, far too human
Far, far too conscious
Yet I am ashamed to say it to you.
